Please Don't Leave Me
by Jasper.Fangirl
Summary: Jasper is about to give up on his life and his family saves him.


**Please Don't Leave Me**

Jasper was sitting in the fetal position on his bed. Alice and the others were at school, but not Jasper. His thirst threshold was still too low, so he had to stay cooped up in the house for the vast majority of his time. He could hear that Carlisle and Esme were downstairs watching TV, but he didn't feel like joining them. He just wished to be alone, somewhere where no one would ask him what's wrong. No one would ask him to talk about the memories that he'd rather repress. He didn't ask for them to replay in his mind over and over like a broken record. It was agonizing.

He began to reflect on the things he had endured. Teeth ripping into his pearl white skin, the terrible burning sensation when the venom was injected into his veins, the ravenous thirst, carnage, blood, despair, hate, rape, fear, death, pain. So much pain.

It was then that he heard a soft knock on the door. "Jasper?" Carlisle's worried voice came from the other side.

Jasper lacked the energy to answer.

"Jasper, sweetie, may we come in?" Esme asked tentatively.

"Yes," Jasper croaked.

Carlisle and Esme entered the room. Carlisle sat on the chair that was across from Jasper's location, and Esme sat on the edge of the bed. "Jasper, honey, what's wrong?" she asked, reaching up to brush a few tendrils of Jasper's hair out of his face.

Jasper shrugged.

"Jasper, you're crying," Carlisle said. "There must be something wrong."

Jasper stiffened. He hadn't realized that he was crying until that moment. He listened and he heard the broken sobs that ripped from his chest. His body broke into violent tremors.

"Jasper, what's wrong?" a very frightened and confused Esme questioned. "What's going on?"

"Son?" Carlisle said.

After a few moments, Jasper managed to collect his thoughts enough to speak. "I-I d-don't want to t-talk about it. I-I j-just want to b-be left alone," he stammered.

Carlisle and Esme glanced at each other, the same worried expression on their faces. "I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone in this state," Carlisle hesitated.

"Please!" Jasper whispered, his tone urgent. "Leave me alone." He didn't feel like talking, but the look on his face spoke volumes. His countenance appeared wounded and terrified. His eyes were filled with more pain than most people experience in a lifetime combined. His suffering was so great that it was evident in every ounce of his body.

"No," Carlisle stated firmly. "I'm not leaving until you tell us what the matter is."

Esme gently grabbed Jasper's hand and held it. "Please?" she breathed.

Jasper stared into each of their faces for a moment. It was hard to find the words. How could he explain something so painful to the people he loved?

"It hurts," he finally said.

"What hurts, honey?" Esme asked. Carlisle began to rack his brain. He didn't think that a vampire was capable of hurting physically under normal circumstances. No, this must be purely emotional.

"Everything."

"I'm not following you, Jasper," Carlisle said, confused.

"Well, whatever it is, I'm sure we can make the pain go away. We'll make it better," Esme reassured him.

"You can't."

"Why not?" Esme asked?

"Because it won't stop!" Jasper cried. He was on the verge of a breakdown. He was hanging on by a thread and it felt like that thread was about to be cut. He began to hyperventilate and his sobs intensified. Why didn't they understand?

"Jasper, Jasper, calm down," Carlisle said, trying hold back the panic he felt. "Take a deep breath and start from the beginning."

Jasper paused momentarily before breaking down. His statements got louder and more desperate with every one that he made. "The memories… they won't go away. I try and try to think about something else, but I can't. It's like they're seared into my mind and I can't escape them! I just don't know what I did to deserve this! I'm a fundamentally good person! I tried my best to help others, to serve the Lord, to make my family happy, and to be the kind of person others would be proud to call their son, or their brother, or their friend! Then misfortune just started to rain down on me! I wish I knew how I failed! I don't understand it! Why?"

Esme wrapped her arm around Jasper. "Jasper, shhhhh. Calm down, sweetie. Shhhh, it's going to be okay."

Jasper continued to sob.

"Jasper, you didn't do anything wrong," Carlisle assured him. "I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I think you're absolutely wonderful…"

"NO!" Jasper shouted. Carlisle and Esme both jumped, startled. "I'm not wonderful! Your kindness is tearing me apart! I can feel how much you're hurting right now, and it's all because of me! You're worried and sad and scared because I'm upset! I don't want to inflict pain on the ones I love! I don't want you to have to hurt on my account anymore! I just can't take it anymore!"

At that moment, everything Carlisle and Esme knew was turned upside down. The realization of just what Jasper had meant by that sentence came crashing down upon them.

Carlisle turned into a blubbering mess and threw himself at Jasper's feet. "NO! No, no, no, no, no… no, Jasper, no! You can't! You won't! Please, no, no, no, no, NO!" He wrapped his arms around Jasper's legs and hugged them fiercely.

Esme, too, was hysterical. She couldn't stand the thought of losing another child. She hugged Jasper with all of her strength, as if to hold him there and stop him from doing anything stupid. "Please…" is all she could manage to utter.

****************************************************************************

At school, Alice, Emmett, Edward and Rosalie were sitting at the lunch table. Alice's muscles went slack and her eyes were unfocused as she slipped into a vision. Her eyes shut tightly, and she started to bawl. She tried to speak, but it was if an iron hand had squeezed her vocal cords shut. She whimpered incoherently and she started to shake.

"Alice?" Emmett asked.

Edward read her thoughts. "Oh my God! We need to go home! Now!" When Emmett and Rosalie didn't move, Edward yelled, "NOW!"

Emmett and Rosalie stared at him, confused, but this time they didn't question it. They sprinted across the parking lot. Emmett hopped into the driver's seat of the car and everyone else hopped in as well. "DRIVE!" Edward shouted. "QUICKLY!"

Emmett sped out of the parking lot. Edward looked down at the speedometer, which read 100. "FASTER!" he yelled.

"Is anyone going to tell us what's going on?" Rosalie asked. She glanced at Alice, who was still whimpering, and then at Edward.

"Alice saw that… that…" he struggled to say the words. "She saw Jasper decide to… _kill_ himself."

"NO!" Emmett roared. He stomped on the gas pedal. "HE CAN'T! He can't leave us!" He started to sob as well.

"That IDIOT!" Rosalie screeched. "Doesn't he realize what that would do to us?"

Edward didn't answer. Alice had slipped into another vision, and he listened in. Alice's whimpers grew quieter. Edward let out a single chuckle of relief.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS SO FUNNY? MY BABY BROTHER DECIDED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE AND YOU'RE LAUGHING ABOUT IT?" Emmett shouted.

"No, Emmett, I'm not! How could you ever think that I'd be happy about losing my big brother?" Edward spat.

"Then what were you laughing about?"

"Alice just saw that Jasper changed his mind."

"He'd better have!" Rosalie said.

Emmett didn't slow down in the least. They reached the Cullen home in just over three minutes. The Cullen children sprinted inside, up the stairs, and into Jasper and Alice's room. "Jasper!" Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward cried simultaneously. Alice was still incapable of speaking.

Emmett and Edward both grabbed him in a big bear hug. Rosalie stood in the corner of the room, seething. Alice threw himself into Jasper's lap and curled up against his chest.

Jasper hugged each of them in turn, then wrapped his arms around his Alice. He was already crying, but at that point he began to cry ten times harder. Everyone in the room was crying. They were all hugging and kissing Jasper, showering him with love. They were trying their best to make Jasper feel wanted, to make him feel like their love alone was a reason for living. The intensity of their emotions resonated within him, and they moved him greatly. In this moment of excruciating pain, he felt love in its purest form. He suddenly realized just what he meant to his family, that they would all fight so hard to keep him alive.

"Jazzy," Alice moaned. She looked up at him with an expression that was every bit as wounded as Jasper's had been mere minutes before.

Then he remembered just what he had done to make his family act this way, to hurt Alice so deeply. The guilt stabbed at him; it was more painful than anything he had ever felt before. "I'm… so… sorry," he managed to choke in a voice that was so thick with tears that it was difficult to understand.

"Jasper... you can't… please don't…" Emmett mumbled incoherently.

"My baby boy… I can't lose you…" Esme sobbed.

"Jasper, please, I know it's hard, but we're right here…" Edward stated.

"My son… we need you here with us…" Carlisle breathed.

"You can't do this to us," Rosalie said.

"Jazzy, please… don't leave me alone…" Alice pleaded. "I need you…"

"I won't," came Jasper's simple reply. He tried to make his voice as resolute as possible, which was no easy task.

"Promise me…" Carlisle's weak voice begged.

"I promise," Jasper sobbed.

Everyone continued to embrace him for several more minutes. Esme began kissing his face, his scarred jaw, his curly hair, and his neck. Alice snuggled closer to his chest for a while, and she finally kissed him. Her lips lingered on his, savoring the moment for as long as possible.

After a while, everyone agreed that it was time to have a talk with Jasper, to ask him just what had triggered his decision. "Jazz, why didn't you tell us you were having such a hard time?" Emmett asked. He tried his hardest to make his voice sound gentle rather than demanding.

"Don't you trust us?" Rosalie chastened.

Jasper stared guiltily down at the bed. "Rosalie!" Edward snapped.

Jasper struggled to find the words. "I just… I…"

Carlisle gently touched his hand. "Take your time."

"I didn't know how to tell you," Jasper breathed.

"What do you mean, dear?" Esme asked.

"I… it's just that… I was doing fairly well for quite a while, and suddenly everything started rushing back to me. How could I tell you that when you were feeling so hopeful? How could I shatter your peace of mind when you thought I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel? 'Hey, I know you think I'm recovering, but in reality it's like 1951 all over again'? I had not the heart to do it…"

"Don't you realize how selfish it is for you to hide these things from us? If you think that it would've hurt us to hear that you're suffering, how do you think we'd fare when we found your ashes in the fireplace?" Rosalie barked.

"Rosalie, I swear to God…" Edward said threateningly.

Jasper felt waves of anger from his family members, but he calmed them down. "No, she has a point. You're absolutely right." Jasper saw that his family was trying to disagree, so he intensified the feelings of calm. They settled down.

"Jasper, we _need_ to know these things," Carlisle said, trying a less abrasive approach. "I know it would've been difficult, and it undoubtedly would've been hard for us to hear. However, when we know there's a problem, we can work together to solve it before it gets out of hand."

"Speaking of knowing that there's a problem," Rosalie butted in, suspicion heavy in her voice, "Where the hell were you, Edward? You hear his thoughts; you must have known something was wrong. Why didn't you help him?"

"Rosalie!" everyone snapped in unison.

"Well, it's true!" Rosalie snapped back.

"He did know that I was having problems," Jasper defended his brother. "He tried to convince me to talk to him on several occasions. But I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to worry him. I didn't want to worry any of you. I realize that it's too late for that. I realize that I can't take back all of the pain I just caused you…" He paused momentarily, holding back sobs that again threatened to overcome him. "I shouldn't have let it get out of hand the way that I did. I should've realized that even the strongest people have their breaking points. I should've told you that I was so close to mine. I should've stopped trying to be so strong. I should've let you help me. There are so many things that I should've done…"

This time, he couldn't stop himself from crying. He felt that he had failed the people who loved him the most. He wished they would chastise him for being so stupid. He wished they would guilt trip him instead of being so understanding. He felt completely unworthy of their love. Feelings of inferiority, chagrin, and self-loathing nearly drowned him.

"Jasper, don't think that way," Edward begged.

"Which way?" Esme asked.

Edward ignored her, and he turned his attention back to his brother. "Jasper, we don't think that you failed us, not in the least. We're not going to chastise you, because there's nothing to chastise you for. You had a moment of weakness. You've been so strong this whole time that you just couldn't take it anymore. You were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it was more than you could bear. But… just know that you don't have to bear it alone. I'm reading the minds of everyone in here, and they're willing to help you in any way they can, as am I."

"We don't want you to suffer in silence anymore," Esme stated, her eyes pleading.

"We're here for you whenever you need us, bro. Whatever you need us to do, we'll do it," Emmett assured him.

"I know you are. Thank you," Jasper sobbed, gratitude heavy in his voice.

"You don't have to thank us. That's what we're here for," Emmett answered. He thumped Jasper on the back.

"As for the other part of your thought," Edward said, "There is no reason for you to hate yourself, to feel so guilty, to feel so unworthy. None of us feel that way about you."

"Jasper!" Carlisle gasped. "Is that how you really feel?"

Jasper squirmed uncomfortably as six pairs of eyes were focused on him, awaiting his answer. "I-I don't deserve your kindness. I caused every single one of you pain. I can never, ever, ever forgive myself for that. I try so hard to do well and to contribute as much as I can. But it seems like all I do is take and take and take until there's nothing left. I just end up hurting the very people who try their hardest to help me."

"Jasper, you foolish, stubborn Texas mule!" Rosalie scolded. "Don't you realize that's what's hurting us?"

"What?"

"You keep insulting yourself over and over! Do you think we like listening to that?"

"But…"

"She's right, bro," Emmett agreed.

Jasper looked around at everyone. Their facial expressions and their emotions showed that they were all in agreement.

"Jazz, when you hurt yourself, you hurt us, too."

"Why?"

"Because we all love you and want to see you happy. We know that you launching an all-you-can-eat character assassination on yourself isn't a step in the right direction," Emmett said. "Besides, what did I tell you about that kind of thing?"

Jasper thought back to the time Emmett broke down the door to the bedroom he had locked himself in and Emmett made him spill his guts. He finally answered, "You said that when I make myself sound like a bad person, it makes you sound bad for loving me."

"That's right," Emmett approved.

Everyone was stunned by how insightful that comment was, but if they voiced that thought aloud, they'd never hear the end of it from Emmett.

Carlisle piped up. "Jasper, the things you're saying about yourself simply aren't true. You're not a monster. I know I've told you that a million times, but it seems that your self-esteem still hasn't improved enough for you to take those words seriously." Jasper made eye contact with Carlisle for a split second, then looked back down. Carlisle continued. "Also, you don't take and take and take from us. You've made such a contribution to this family that I can't even begin to tell you."

"What?" Jasper said, full of disbelief.

"Jasper, you've shown us the true meaning of strength, and of courage. Up until I met you, I thought I was strong because I can operate on a human without being tempted by the scent of their blood. Living with you every day has shown me that the true measure of strength lies in the person who has triumphed over the adversity he or she has faced in life, and is still willing to appreciate the good in the world. You, my son, have faced things that no one should ever have to face, even in their grisliest nightmares. Yet, despite that, you've chosen to live a life of non-violence and more importantly, you've decided to open up, to have faith, to trust, and to choose love when you had no reason to know that things would work out in your favor. _That_ is the definition of strength, and also the definition of courage. I thank God every day that you joined our family and taught me all of the things that you have. We'd truly all be lost without you."

"Oh, Carlisle," Jasper breathed. He leaned forward and hugged his father. "Thank you…"

"There's no need to thank me. I'm telling the truth."

"He's right, sweetie," Esme said. "I personally think that the only bad thing about you is that you think there are so many bad things about you. You're so self-critical when you have absolutely no reason to be. You're beautiful, brilliant, creative, musical, deep-thinking, accepting, loving, brave, strong, talented, caring, protective, understanding, compassionate, witty, charming, charismatic, adorable, sweet, loveable, thoughtful, helpful, and a hundred more adjectives I can think of right off the top of my head. I'd be happy to list them off for you sometime if you'd like. But the point is that you're absolutely perfect the way you are, and you're worthy of every ounce of our love."

Jasper burst into tears again. He hugged Esme fiercely. "I love you," she said.

"I love you, too," he replied. "I love all of you more than words can express. I can't thank you enough for saving me."

"Jazzy," Alice pleaded, speaking for the first time in hours. "Please don't hide things from me ever again."

Jazzy gazed into her warm butterscotch eyes. "I won't, I promise." He sent waves of calm and love to her and smiled as he watched her face smooth into a peaceful smile.

"Unless you're hiding, say, an anniversary gift or something. In that case, I'll allow it," Alice teased.

Jasper stroked Alice's face. They gazed into each other's eyes, holding a silent conversation together. The other Cullens watched interestedly, but Alice and Jasper didn't care. All else had ceased to exist. After a few minutes, Jasper gently touched Alice's nose with his fingertip. Alice giggled, then kissed Jasper softly. "Seriously. No more hiding."

"I promise."

"One more thing, Jasper," Alice added.

"What is it?" he asked.

"If you let this happen again, if you hurt yourself because you didn't want to worry us…" Alice trailed off. She was on the brink of tears.

Jasper sent waves of comfort to his true love. "Alice?"

"If you do that… I will never, ever forgive you."

Jasper tightened his grip on Alice and kissed her on the top of her head. "That's the best motivation you ever could've given me. Thank you."


End file.
